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The Gratuitous Rainbow Spectrum

'Murica the Beautiful: Stone Age Countdown

'Murica the Beautiful: Stone Age Countdown

Dan Ryan
6 minute read

Hello to you and how you be… Dan Ryan here… you there. Thank you so much for checking out this post and if you like what you see please share. So look, any post at this particular point in history having to do with patriotism or celebrating America’s 250th birthday is risky. There is no denying the gulf that separates people on a large number of issues. This is not the place nor the time for that discussion. What this is the time and place for though is a discussion of the games that celebrate the sort of “action movie” ideal most prevalent in the 80’s and 90’s of ‘Murica. Kris and I talk all the time about the games we enjoy around certain holidays. We’ve done episodes on the games to play at Thanksgiving or Christmas or during summer vacation. What we’ve never done is talk about what games to bust out at the BBQ. So it got me to thinking, surely there must be a collection of games that fit that criteria (a top 5 even), that either cover some sort of historical relevance or capture the Stallone/Schwarzenegger ethos or simply feature some bad dudes out to save the president from a bunch of rowdy ninjas. (Bad Dudes did not make the cut) You know… ‘Murica. This list is in not exhaustive and is meant to be a fun look at some goofy games you could pop on with friends and have a Miller time. (because if it’s any time it’s Miller time) Presented for your approval this is the Stone Age Countdown: ‘Murica. 

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Smoke SNES Console Shell - Stock

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North and South - Originally released for the Amiga and Atari ST then ported to a host of other platforms, North and South is a criminally underrated strategy action adaption of a popular Belgian comic about the American Civil War. (as ridiculous a sentence as I have ever written for this blog) Presenting a 'Murica version of the Civil War, North and South presents players with a choice between the Union and the Confederacy in a series of strategic battles. Players move from state to state and battles play out when opposing soldiers occupy the same state. Players control infantry, calvary, and a cannon. The simple commands allow the silliness to take center stage with the battles often being quick affairs. Outside of battles, event sections happen when players attempt to capture a state with a train station. This results in a side scrolling level wherein you have to beat up a number of opposing soldiers on a train. North and South is weird, silly, and wonderful and worth a few minutes during your ‘Murica birthday parties.

Contra - Could it get more ‘Murica than two soldiers running through the jungle killing everything that moves only to wind up fighting aliens at the end? I submit to you that not really no, it cannot. With a cover based on the film Predator, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Lance Dean respectively, a plot 80’s action movies would kill for, and gameplay improved upon from the arcades, Konamai delivered one of the all time great multiplayer experiences for the NES. Seriously, adults of a certain vintage have memories of this game, good and bad. It’s a classic for a reason. Featuring super smooth gameplay, really fun weapons, awesome level design and boss fights, and the most famous code in gaming history, Contra is about as ‘Murica as apple pie.  

Super Baseball 2020 - A baseball game was obviously going to make this list. It is the national pastime after all. And while there are plenty of excellent candidates, Super Baseball 2020 gets the nod. Originally developed for the Neo Geo but later ported to the SNES and Genesis, SB2020 sees players take control of a robot baseball team for games played at Cyber Egg Stadium. Players can be upgraded during the game with cash rewarded for accomplishing certain tasks though upgrades do not carry over from game to game. Rules differ greatly from real baseball with no in-field fly rule and only ball hit over the center field fence counting as homeruns for example. While not a simulation of ‘Murica’s greatest export, SB2020 is a blast to play with friends.

BroForce - BroForce might as well be called Action Movie the Game due to its inspiration worn not just on its chest but on literally every part of its body. The gender neutral Bros in this game are all based on recognizable heroes from 80’s and 90’s “Murica pop culture including Rambro, Ellen Ripbro, and Bronan the Brobarian. It is quite frankly one of the silliest games ever made which is why it works so well. The gameplay, a mix of 2D run ‘n gun and platforming is incredibly solid and the Bros all feature unique, interesting movesets. The randomness of never knowing which Bro will be the next in line after a lost life adds to the chaos and the fun. Levels end when the boss is defeated, the flag is planted, and your Bro rides off in a helicopter. It’s beautiful and insane and a reflection of the best of ‘Murica.

Metal Wolf Chaos XD - A remaster of the 2004 Japanese Xbox exclusive, Metal Wolf Chaos XD just is “Murica. Everything I wanted to have fun with in this post is right here in this game. Developed by From Software, MWC XD has one of the most bugnuts insane stories ever put to disc. At the end of the 21st century the United States is in chaos. Vice President Richard Hawk launches a successful coup d'état. Realizing his is the last line of defense President Michael Wilson, a distant relative of former President Woodrow, dons his secretly designed by the military mech suit to take back the country. Making his way east across the US Wilson eventually chases Hawk to a space station and prevents nuclear annihilation. If that doesn’t scream ‘Murica then nothing does. It’s not a great game but is so insane and over the top that you must experience it for yourself.

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Contra (Arcade) - Bill Rizer + Lance Bean MAXIMUM PAYLOAD 1/12 Scale Signature Series Action Figure Set (Limited Edition)

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Contra (ARCADE) - Bill Rizer + Lance Bean MAXIMUM PAYLOAD 1/12 Scale Signature Series Action Figure Set (LIMITED EDITION 1/750) The Alien terrorist group Red...… read more

And that’s my list. To hear what Kris has to say make sure to check out the pod through whatever catcher you use or on our very own Youtube channel. But I want to know what you think. Join the Stone Age Gamer discord, or you can find me on Bluesky to let me know your thoughts. In the immortal words of Billy Joel, “Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes; I'm afraid it's time for goodbye again.” See you soon.

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