We here at Stone Age Gamer are always looking for new, exciting products to help people enjoy the games they love. From EverDrives to BitBoxes, our crack team of engineers has worked around the clock for decades to ensure our products are of the highest quality imaginable. (Have you seen our Wisdom Tree shirts? You've never looked so good in purple.) Well today we're proud to announce that we're getting into the console business with the all-new, totally-not-just-a-PC-with-masking-tape-on-it, SAG-BOX!
That beautiful box right there is the SAG-BOX, the result of years of drinking, I mean thinking, from our engineering department. Following the tragic collapse of the RETRO VGS/Coleco Chameleon a few years back, our team worked tirelessly to get the rights to use that sweet Atari Jaguar shell, since it's obviously the best console design out there and gosh darn it, plastic molds are EXPENSIVE. Unfortunately, that wasn't meant to be, so we came up with this design instead, all by ourselves. We wanted to make sure the top was flat so you can easily place your beverage on the unit. Most game consoles don't take beverage storage into consideration, but not Stone Age Gamer! It's also got two USB ports, only one of which needs to be used to power the system. (Optional USB multitap is in development.) We're not sure what the port on the side is for yet, but we're certain it will be amazing. But what about what's inside the box?
This little powerhouse utilizes the latest FPGA (Fun Party Games Applebees) technology to faithfully recreate a vast collection of your favorite NES games, featuring 100% compatibility with over 14% of the PAL NES library. It clocks in at 874 terraflops per minute, has 1,945 migs of ROM, and both dial-up and broadband internet connectivity for our weekly firmware updates. The user interface was programmed using Visual Basic 6 with the latest and greatest ActiveX controls, resulting in an experience that's as smooth as deep fried butter. Believe us, you've never played anything like it before.
But wait, you didn't think we'd create a game console without a CD add-on, did you? Feast your eyes on this masterpiece!
Measuring a full 3 inches larger than the base unit, the SAG-CD utilizes what we call "cup-in-saucer" technology. Just peel the proprietary SAG-CD double sided sticky label off and place your SAG-BOX right on top of the unit to play. The SAG-CD will play all the latest CD-based games on the market today (sorry, no blu-rays yet), with possible 3D-O/CD-i compatibility coming the future via a patch. This part is still very much in development, but we'll be sure to share more information in the coming months.
Looks great, doesn't it?
But what about the controller? We'll be announcing a full breakdown of its multitude of features in a future update, but we're confident that we've come up with the most comfortable controller ever conceived by humans. Here's a preview of our near-final build.
We made that.
So, you're probably wondering just how much money all this is going to cost, right? Well that's almost entirely up to you! We're opening preorders through our Indiegogo campaign starting next week! The SAG-BOX pricing will start at $599 for the base model, with higher tiers available for anyone who wants to enhance their experience with a controller or functioning electronics inside their box. The CD add on will only run you an additional $150, and extra controllers will run $69 a piece. These products only cost us a fraction of those prices to produce, which will leave us with quite a hefty profit which we will totally use to further development of the SAG-BOX system and not just divvy up between us to pay for expensive vacations and/or massive amounts of candy.
We can't wait for you to get your hands on this beast. We've spent literal minutes cooking the whole thing up, and we're sure that once you play it, you'll understand just how special it is. Keep your eyes on our social media accounts for the official launch of our Indiegogo campaign, and we'll talk to you all soon!