A Brawl That's Part of Your Balanced Breakfast
Smash Bros. imitators have really been coming out of the woodwork lately. Most recently we’ve seen Nickelodeon All Star Brawl featuring everyone from the Ninja Turtles to Ren & Stimpy, and Warner Bros. MultiVersus pitting the likes of Batman and Bugs Bunny against Shaggy and um… Arya Stark? Yeah, that one’s a bit weird.
Regardless of how cool and weird these games seem, there’s one mascot brawler that’s missing. One that kids of all ages have been secretly clamoring for for decades.
We need to see a Breakfast Cereal Mascot brawler.
Think about it. Breakfast cereal mascots were the thing of legend back in the old days, and these new Smash Bros. clones are clearly at least partly aimed at an older audience. Why else would we see the 80s Ninja Turtles and characters like Ren & Stimpy in that new Nickelodeon game? Way back when live TV was the only way to consume your favorite content, those commercials filled with weird and wacky characters were just as enticing as the cartoons we loved. We wondered if the Trix Rabbit would ever get to have a bowl of his coveted cereal, and whatever actually happened to the other two Cinnamon Toast Crunch chefs? These characters were brilliantly designed to elicit brand loyalty, and they’ve become almost as beloved as pretty much any other cartoon character out there.
So why not have them beat the heck out of one another in a Smash Bros. clone? Yes, Cereal Killaz is theoretically a thing, and yes it does look pretty cool, but that’s still a bunch of interpretations of existing characters. We want the real thing, darn it!
Naturally the combat itself would have to be sound in order for something like this to work. Plenty of Smash clones have come and gone over the years which seem to have felt that the roster alone could carry a game, which isn’t the case. But as far as this blog is concerned, the fun of postulating about this kind of thing really is the roster, so here we are.
There are a lot of cereals out there, but it seems the bulk of the recognizable mascots come from two companies: General Mills and Kellogs. In the interest of keeping things fair, I’ve selected 7 mascots from each of those companies, giving the base roster a total of 14 fighters. Yes, this is a bit on the paltry side, but we have to start somewhere, right?
Mills of Pain
General Mills may not have as memorable a company name as Kellog’s, but their cast of characters contains some great names. Cocoa Puffs mascot Sonny the Cuckoo Bird would be an absolute must, as his complete insanity would make for a very powerful and unpredictable fighter, as would the Trix Rabbit for similar reasons. I imagine the two of them teaming up would be a difficult pair to beat.
Then there’s Buzz Bee, proprietor of Honey Nut Cheerios, who could certainly brandish his little honeycomb spoon thingy as a weapon, and Lucky the Leprechaun surely has decades of pent up aggression thanks to everyone always being after his Lucky Charms.
The Cookie Crook from Cookie Crisp could make for a great fighter, especially if he’s tied somehow to running away from Officer Crumb, and maybe even have him tied to his dog for some tag team style moves since the dog more or less replaced him after a couple of years in the commercials anyway.
And then there’s Chef Wendell. There used to be three Cinnamon Toast Crunch chefs, but then they started making all these ads where Chef Wendell was breaking out on his own, and getting crazier as time went on. I remember my friends and I speculating that Wendeell had actually murdered the othe rtwo chefs, which seemds like the msot likely scenario.
Now Cinnamon Toast Crunch is represented by these weird crazy square things, and honestly I’d love to see them incorporated into Wendell’s fighting moves as a sort of visual representation of his insanity.
Of course, the heavy hitters from General Mills are the monsters. Giving all three of them their own slots really felt like stacking the deck, so if we had to choose one it would have to be Count Chocula. He’s easily the most popular of the three, and he’s a flipppin’ vampire.
If General Mills is Marvel, Kellog’s is DC. Sure, Marvel has more recognizable mascots overall, but DC has the heaviest of hitters including Batman, Wonder Woman, and of course, Superman. So while it took a little more searching to fill the Kellog’s side of things, there were a few absolute icons who couldn’t be missed.
First and foremost, Tony the Tiger. Frosted Flakes rule, and Tony is basically the Superman of the cereal mascot world. He’s a literal beast who could dominate for sure. Then there’s Toucan Sam, who I imagine could do a lot of damage with that beak of his, and his maneuverability would be excellent. Snap, Crackle, and Pop would have to fight as a trio, and would likely be able to dish out a ton of damage, which could be balanced out by their inherent size and weight disadvantages.
While not quite as recognizable a cartoon style mascot as the rest, Cornelius rooster of Corn Flakes fame is probably the most iconic image ever associated with breakfast cereal, and as such is freaking cereal mascot royalty. He had a brief stint in the late 90s as a more animated bird, and that design would work great here.
Of course Dig’em Frog from Sugar Smacks would be an excellent contender for his jumping ability alone, and while he seems like a strange idea, Sunny, the Sun mascot from Kellog’s Raisin Bran would make for one heck of an interesting character with his two scoops of raisins and, you know, the fact that he’s a freaking SUN.
But that’s only six, and we need seven to keep things even. Perhaps the obvious choice is CinnaMon and Bad Apple, but I absolutely hate those characters. Apple Jacks are tasty and all, but those creatures are the worst. What Kellog’s has in abundance though is a wealth of historical and defunct mascot characters, so digging into its lineage seemed like the best way to solve that problem. And of all the mascots of old that Kellog’s has to pick from, there's no better contender for this breakfast brawl than Cruncheroos mascot Crunchosaurus Rex.
Sure, he didn’t really have much in the way of actual animated commercials, but he’s a purple T-Rex, and his name is Crunchosaurus Rex. What more do you need?
So what comes after the base roster? DLC, of course! In my theoretical world, getting Kellog’s and General Mills to play nice in order to make this game work would be a pretty hefty task on its own, so adding other companies into the mix would only complicate things, unless they’re added as DLC! And who would be up first? Post.
Post Cereals are pretty darn good, but they’re sort of lacking in terms of mascot characters. That's why for this DLC 2-pack we would have to start with the Crazy Craving from HoneyComb. This weird hariball thing had a bunch of commercials and is basically the Tazmanian devil from Looney Tunes but with way less chill. He’s also pretty obscure by today’s standards, which makes him perfect for DLC. And how do you sell a character like that? You pair him up with the absolute legend of smoothness that is Sugar Bear from Golden Crisp.
Having this game exist without Sugar Bear seemed like a crime, but as the only Post mascot that’s anywhere near on par with the Kellog’s and GM ones seemed weird to me. So, DLC it is.
But there’s one more breakfast titan out there who hasn’t been heard from yet, and that’s Quaker.
Similar to Post, the first character from Quaker would be the somewhat obscure Quisp of Quisp Cereal “fame.” He’s a weird looking alien who could certainly fend for himself in a fight if need be. But the real reason you’d want to pay for the Quaker DLC is the Cap’n himself, Cap’n Crunch.
This dude can absolutely make it happen with or without you, and definitely has the crunch berries to take on any other cereal mascot out there.
Finally, I've got two more DLC packs to round things out, one from Kellog’s and one from General Mills. From the Kellog’s Camp, I’d love to see a classic character two pack with OJ Joe and the Triple Snack Giraffe.
OJ hails from the defunct OJ’s cereal that’s supposed to taste like oranges. He’s a cowboy who can dig his spurs into the sides of an orange and ride them like a horse. An orange cereal may sound weird, but OJ Joe could probably kick some serious butt. As for the Triple Snack Giraffe from Triple Snack Cereal, well, he’s a giraffe. I don’t think I’ve ever seen fighting game with a giraffe in it. So why not start here?
Finally, GM could release a two pack with the remaining monsters in it. Franken Berry and Boo Berry. And if things go really well, maybe they can cough up some extra DLC for Fruit Brute and the Fruity Yummy Mummy but in all honesty, they probably wouldn’t be missed.
This idea would be so much fun to see come to life. Could it possibly be a good game? Who knows? The right developer could make it into a good time for sure. But even if it’s a dud, I’d still love to see someone take an honest swing at it. In the meantime, Cereal Killaz will have to do. (It does look pretty cool, after all).